Shohei Ohtani for President

Here is why Shohei Ohtani should be president:

He’s polite

He’s really good at his job

He has a sense of humor, and never employs it to try to hurt others

He respects his teammates

He even cleans up after them

He respects his opponents

He would never hurt someone intentionally

If he did so unintentionally, he would apologize immediately

He called off violence from his teammates when he was injured unintentionally

He does not seek revenge, even when someone has done him wrong

Resentment is foreign to him

He smiles a lot and scowls very little

He remembers his friends

He is bilingual

He is nice to children

He is one of a kind, but doesn’t brag about it

He is faithful to his wife

He trusts his wife

He’s smart

He doesn’t pretend to be perfect

He’s generous, and brings happiness and joy to people

He’s funny

Did I mention that he’s polite?

He’s a good-looking guy

Of all these qualifications, the most important one for a candidate for office in the United States today is that last one, for any guy or girl. The same way Fűhrer Schlumpf picks his Cabinet members. And look at the job they’re doing.

Why can’t we, in the United States, raise young men like Shohei Ohtani?

Could it be that we teach our kids to be selfish?

And showoffs?

And braggarts?

And bullies.

And we reward them for this?