Things could be worse

OK, I admit it. I’ve been lurking on Reddit again. If you need cheering up, I highly recommend it — all those people whining and complaining will make you feel better about whatever you’re going through.

These are tough times and if we can’t find cheerful news, we need to console ourselves with relatively trivial bad news happening to other people.

Steel yourself with the realization that you’re (probably) not being bombed or tossed into prison for looking different. (No one should feel good about those things happening to others, by the way. I’m not recommending schadenfreude.)

Now on to the complaints you’re lucky you don’t have to worry about — probably.

“The amount of divorced or remarried partners scares me. – Just a 2L Summer Associate fearful of my own future personal life."

This is not necessarily a negative thing. Long-range planning for your future divorce can save you a lot of time and money. Be sure to tell your spouse that the honeymoon will be over in about seven years.

I do realize that this complaint is ambiguous. The poster may be worried about all the divorced partners at their firm coming after them — either because they’re in a bad mood or because they need a new mate.

Again, preparation is key. Unless you have your eye on a partner, try to dress badly, eschew makeup, and do as much sweating as possible.

“What’s the deal with Taylor Swift’s guest being an owner of an ICE facility? … I only hear about her on Reddit. Which is usually too much as it is about her.”

Is this a Taylor Swift problem or a Reddit problem? How is it possible to only hear about Taylor Swift on Reddit?

I’m picturing someone chained to a desk chair in front of a computer programmed to exclusively find Swift references on Reddit. Be glad you’re not this person.

“Hosting a DnD game today, so cooked for three hours, fresh salsa, fresh hummus, shrimp puffs, crostinis, etc. Finally finished, picked up my phone to learn the game was canceled.”

Hey, more food for you. Why is this in the “Wellthatsucks” Reddit section? The only explanation is that this person has no friends or family other than DnD players.

A new hobby may be a good idea.

“Got hangnails on three different fingers right next to each other.”

Amazingly, there were 250 comments on this when last I looked. Hangnail angst is real.

Keep a nail clipper with you at all times.

“I asked for ‘no tomato’ and they gave me a tomato bigger than the patty.”

When last I looked at this there were 2.8K comments. The tomato onslaught is real.

“Shopping in person at Sephora and Ulta isn’t fun anymore especially outside of major cities.”

The author goes on to say: “There are just a million foundations, a million nude lipglosses, a few brow products and little else.”

And so a great country has hit rock bottom. Is it Trump’s fault or Antifa?

Self unawareness. My mouth doesn’t drop open easily because I see so much weird stuff but a quote in The New York Times the other day seriously affected my jaw.

See if you can guess the next sentence following this quote attributed to a White House spokeswoman: “Aliens who come to our country, complain about how much they hate America, fail to contribute to our economy, rip off Americans and refuse to assimilate into our society should not be here.”

Don’t peek at the link. Pretend this is a caption contest and you need to come up with a punchline.

Have you got it?

The answer is: “And nothing about that is racist.”

Picture whatever is the opposite of a mic drop.

A mic clutch?

Now close your mouth.